Thursday, September 19, 2019

The last year of life

Hi, everyone.

Although I have occasionally put out some posts, mainly of general reflections and some original written pieces of mine, I've recently realized that it's been just about a year since I properly updated my blog with actual events, comings, and goings of my day-to-day life. And that's far too long.

It's hard to sum up such a long period of time in all its multifaceted complexities, especially in retrospect. But I'm going to do my best to summarize and get across an impression of this last year of my life, and some of the most important things that have happened in that time.

Senior year of college:

From August of last year until May of this year, I moved back to Beloit, Wisconsin to finish the last year of my undergraduate degree at Beloit College. The first semester was incredibly difficult, as a number of trivial and not so trivial matters all came to a head at once: not feeling at home anymore on campus because it had changed so much and there was such a disconnect between my first two years on campus and my senior year; getting my heart broken; dealing with intense culture shock while readjusting after my time in the Nordic countries; having to really come to terms and deal with my depression; dealing with a lot of academic pressure; and so on. Some adjustments and changes were made: I dropped my international relations major, as I knew that taking all the classes I would have had to in order to finish it, while possible, was not feasible with my mental health issues. I gave a symposium on what I'd learned during my experience on my second language program in Iceland the previous summer. I got involved with a Sustained Dialogue group as a means of having deep and important conversations with people about critical issues, and getting to know some people from the two new classes that had come to campus in my time away (which was easy, given that I was the only senior in my group). Already scheming my way back to the Nordic world I missed so much, I submitted my application for a Fulbright fellowship to participate in an Icelandic as a second language program at the University of Iceland in Reykjavik. I found an amazing, cozy, and deeply important place among the community and friend group I gained by living in the Sexuality and Gender Alliance (SAGA) house, who truly took me under their wing and made me feel so welcome in such a difficult time of my life. We even spent Thanksgiving at my friend Sloane's house, taking advantage of a much-needed chance to get off campus and just chill, talk, and watch movies before finals. After working very hard to put down roots again and get involved with different groups and initiatives on campus, I thankfully finished my rather awful first semester finally starting to feel like I was getting settled and regaining a sense of place on campus again.


I spent winter break in my hometown of Ann Arbor, and in St Louis, where my family lived until recently. At around three weeks, it was the longest period of time I'd spent in Ann Arbor since my family moved away from my childhood home a little over three years ago, and after such an emotionally and mentally difficult few months, it was deeply soothing and nourishing to spend such a solid amount of time in the place I come from, to make it feel like home again a little bit, and to spend time with loved ones and family friends I've known and cared about my whole life - at Christmastime, no less. I originally feared my time in St. Louis would be greatly boring, as I've never managed to make a lot of friends there, due to the fact that my family moved there after I started college and I was only ever there for college breaks. But it actually turned out to be quite a lovely and relaxing time - my mental health improved greatly, and I was able to take a bit of time for myself and work on some little personal projects, like watching movies and catching up on shows I'd wanted to for a long time, and reading a bit for fun (I finished three books and started a fourth in just three weeks!) before returning to campus for my final semester of college.





My final semester was in some ways better and in some ways worse than the previous one. On the one hand, I felt comparatively much more settled, and was able to benefit from the structures I'd built during the first semester that helped me feel more at home and settled in. And I felt far less depressed. But unfortunately I struggled with far worse anxiety, and had some pretty tough, full academic schedule to work with on top of writing my thesis. I struggled with intense burnout, and at times really struggled to move forward.
But overall, it was quite nice in other ways. I solidified my place among the SAGA friend group and community, and the house environment changed nicely when some friendly new faces moved in. I wrote my thirty-page thesis about reciprocal linguistic influence between Russian and the Turkic languages, and gave a symposium about my thesis research halfway through the semester. I continued working my job as a student manager of the call center. I made some great new friends. I took chances and went all out, performing three times. I attended some great events on campus that showcased queer ball culture beautifully. And had a lot of fun.
Perhaps most triumphantly, I was chosen for the Fulbright fellowship I'd applied for, which was an intensely proud moment for me, a culmination of my previous Icelandic language studies, and a testament to my now solidified Nordic passions and life trajectory.
In May, I enjoyed all the great events during Senior Week - the Senior Gala, Party, visits from friends, and an excellent graduation ceremony - and walked across the stage in front of my advisor Donna Oliver to shake President Scott Bierman's hand, proudly holding my Bachelor of Arts in Russian as four intense years of learning, growth, experiences, trial, error, friendship, love, and struggles finally came to a close.


































Spring Break in New Jersey and New York

When I had my spring break in March, I traveled to my dad's hometown of New Brunswick, New Jersey to meet him there at my grandmother's house and stay with her for the week. We spent lots of time with my grandmom, eating out at some of the great local restaurants. We visited a few of my aunts and uncles who live in the area, making the short drives out to Long Valley in the inland hills to visit my Uncle Rob and Aunt Carol, and to Point Pleasant Boro to visit my Uncle Bill, Aunt Jane, and their dog Molly, and go for a great walk along the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. I went into New York City two different days of the week, once to catch up with my good friend Sikander over a Sri Lankan lunch and a delicious, authentic Pakistani chai, and do a bit of wandering on my own before and after, and a second time with my dad to explore the city while he had a meeting.
I had a lot of fun everywhere I went and spent time during the week - New York is one of my favorite cities on the planet, and I greatly enjoy every visit. But I truly enjoyed everywhere we went - the variety of the different places, the coziness of spending time with relatives, and the beautiful feeling of being able to easily and quickly access authentic spaces of diverse communities. It was a much-needed escape from the Midwest and the day-to-day stresses of college life.





























Summer 2019 in Italy and the Midwest

After graduating, I went back to St. Louis with my parents, and just managed to have a late dinner with my sister the evening we got there before she flew out the next morning to work an intense and exceptional position as a worker at a refugee welcome center in Austin, Texas. The rest of the six days I spent in St. Louis were devoid of any noteworthy activity, since I got all four of my wisdom teeth out at once the second day and was down and out for the count for several days thereafter.

After about six days back in St. Louis, I left for Ann Arbor with my parents. As usual, I had a great visit and a lovely time being back. I didn't do too many specific things; I made my rounds of my favorite restaurants and parks in town, visited some old haunts, got to catch up with a couple of my closest high school friends, and had a lovely college grad party which was attended by many of my dearest family friends and loved ones in town.
Every time I go back to Ann Arbor, I struggle a little bit emotionally, as returning to the place where I grew up, which I miss so much, as a visitor is still something that I struggle to adjust to and makes me feel detached from my past. But this time just like being back last winter, I felt more relaxed and at home than I had pretty much anywhere else previously for a long time.








After a week in Ann Arbor, my parents dropped me off at Chicago O'Hare on their way back to St. Louis, and I left for a six-week-trip to Italy.
I applied for a couple of summer programs, but didn't get in for the one that I wanted the most, the ARIT fellowship to study Turkish for six weeks at Boğaziçi University. As I studied elementary Japanese both semesters of my senior year of college, I looked into doing a summer program at Akita International University in Akita, Japan, but unfortunately didn't qualify to apply since I was going to be graduating. Realizing that I wasn't exactly desperate to rush into another academic program, especially given the fact that I was going to be on one during my Fulbright too, and that it had been a while (nearly a year and a half) since the last time I'd been in Italy, I decided to spend a large chunk of time visiting my friends and relatives in Italy.
I'll be honest in saying that the trip was something of a mixed bag. Being in Italy was, of course, amazing. As a place that I feel extremely connected to and at home in, it felt amazing to be back, and I felt so happy to catch up with all my loved ones there. I spent some relaxing afternoons swimming at the local pool to escape the intense, oppressive heat and humidity. I got to spend some amazing quality time with my relatives, close family friends, friends my own age, and even some AFS exchange students and volunteers that my friend Alex knew from volunteering in the local Intercultura Mantova chapter. I traveled to some lovely places - to Milan, to Rome, to my mom's close childhood friends' new house in the Apennine hills near Parma, to the beach at Marina di Carrara in Tuscany. I went on some lovely day trips and to an incredible falconry show with my aunt and uncle. And I got a rare chance to just relax, soak it all in, and catch up on some personal projects, like reading and writing for fun, perhaps most notably the piece on my identity, which I've since titled Everywhere Boy, inspired by the memories of my cherished childhood summer visits to Italy, reawakened in my mind by the feelings and sensations of being back in Viadana over the summer for the first time in eight years.
But the time period I chose to be there, as I found, just sort of happened to be a bad time for pretty much everyone that I was there to visit. My relatives were all working. My few friends my own age in Viadana that I remain close to were all studying for exams and had little free time, because the Italian university system is terrible in that exams are scheduled and sprinkled all throughout the year. My good friends that live further afield were also all either still studying or working. And so there were long stretches of time where I wasn't doing much of anything, repeating the same monotonous routine of waking up, going for a bike ride in the morning before it got too hot, avoiding the worst part of the day indoors, and then going to the pool in the afternoon. And so I was often left alone with my thoughts. 
I unfortunately spiraled in terms of mental health and got to some very dark thoughts and places, mainly on account of the constant body shame I was getting from my grandmother and the intense anxiety and depressive symptoms I had, which were being greatly aggravated by concerns about the news, reports, comments, and online rabbit holes I fell down relating to climate change and ecological breakdown. 
(As a side note, it's still something that I'm extremely concerned about and am doing my best to spread awareness about and fight for systemic change against in my daily life, but thankfully I haven't been constantly fighting depressed thoughts and anxiety attacks related to it for a while now).
In spite of the intense issues I dealt with over the course of the summer, it was still a great time full of some fun and important memories which I'm hugely grateful for, and it felt almost like coming full-circle in a way, being back for a long visit at the same time of year I always used to visit as a child, and reliving all those beautiful and important memories having just graduated college.






















































I left Italy on July 25th, and after arriving back in Chicago, I took the Van Galder bus up to Madison, Wisconsin, where my parents just recently moved to from St. Louis. The month I spent in Madison was honestly fantastic. Although I was still dealing with my eco anxiety, Madison was a very soothing place to be in - it reminds me a lot of Ann Arbor, as it has similar vibes as a college town with a similarly sized university. It's also a familiar place, since I spent a fair amount of time there with my parents while I was at Beloit, and Wisconsin in general feels quite homey to me after having lived there for the last three of the years I've lived in the States. I fell in love with Madison more deeply this time, exploring the downtown, the shops and restaurants, and the lovely beaches along Lake Monona and Mendota which surround the isthmus on which the city is built. It was deeply relaxing and fun. I also had a chance to hang out with two friends I met at Beloit. I also visited Chicago for a couple of days, staying at my lovely Beloit friend Julia's house, and meeting up with a few friends in town: Ri, who was our teaching assistant in freshman year Russian, and Miki and Chloe, Julia's roommate from last year and her sister. I also got a chance to see my dear, dear friend Paula for an afternoon, which was so fun and deeply restorative.

























In the last week before leaving for Iceland, I went down to St. Louis with my mom, as most of my stuff was there and I had to pack. I got to hang out a bit with my sister as she arrived from a three-week visit to Italy, having arrived just days after me. I spent a lot of time going through my old journals, memory boxes, and school notebooks. And went for a few bike rides in Forest Park.





After returning to Wisconsin, I spent the afternoon of my final full day in the U.S. visiting my alma mater for a few hours, making the short drive down to Beloit to catch up with some friends, who had just returned to campus for the start of the semester the next day. I barely processed the fact that I was back due to lack of sleep and stress for the preceding few days. But it was nice to see everyone for a second nonetheless.


Iceland so far

As of publishing this, I've been in Iceland for just over three weeks. And so far, it's been a truly lovely experience.
I left Wisconsin on the 26th of August with a sense of surreal disbelief, and admittedly great anxiety, mostly just related to the stress of moving abroad alone again to a place where I don't have as many support systems. I had a fairly relaxing and uneventful trip to Reykjavik, and spent two days staying at a hostel before moving into my University of Iceland dorm, Gamli Garður (which means "old garden"). Since arrival, I've met the other Fulbrighters in Iceland during our orientation day, who are a dynamic bunch doing everything from research on Arctic fish stocks and glacial reconstruction to teaching Old English at the University. I've gotten a whole bunch of bureaucratic stuff sorted out, and now feel much more settled. I've been out a couple of times to events organized by the University and with new Italian, Catalan, and Swiss friends I've made in my University. I tried out for and got into the Háskólakórinn, the University of Iceland choir, which has proven an excellent space to practice Icelandic with the Icelandic choir members and through the music we sing, as well as a lovely return to singing, which is something that has always brought me great comfort and happiness (I sang in choirs throughout most of middle and high school). I've started classes at the University in the first year level of its Icelandic as a second language bachelor of arts, and although I do have difficulties at times, I've already improved greatly in Icelandic compared to when I arrived. And I've done my best to settle into a routine here, going to the pool often, of course (this time so far mostly to Vesturbæjarlaug, the closest pool to campus), for walks along the pond in the center of town, Tjörnin, when the sun is shining, and doing work at Kaffihús Vesturbæjar, a cafe near the pool, and at Háma, the university cafe.
This being my third time in Iceland, everything feels a lot more familiar and homey compared to other experiences I've been on like this in the past. It's almost felt like coming home, in a way. Since I got to Iceland, I've felt happier, more fulfilled, and like my life has more direction and purpose, more so than I've felt in a long time. And I couldn't be more thankful for that.























Thank you for reading. Going forward I'll do my best to keep blogging at at least fairly regular intervals. I've got some great ideas and drafts for posts keyed up, and I fully intend to publish them as much as I can going forward. And on top of that, I intend to blog at regular intervals, perhaps every month or so, about what and how I'm doing here on my Fulbright.

Heyrumst!
Nico


A beautiful fall song that I've been listening to a lot lately which reminds me of my childhood. 

No comments:

Post a Comment